Approaching parent-teacher conferences with a list of grievances might seem like a natural response, but it's crucial to consider a more constructive approach. It's entirely feasible to address your child's educational challenges without engaging in confrontations with their educators or placing blame, even when the issues at hand are particularly contentious. Jennifer Breheny Wallace, author of "Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic — And What We Can Do About It," shares an anecdote where a mother was tempted to confront her son's teacher aggressively after a false accusation of plagiarism. However, she chose to remind herself that the teacher was an ally in her son's educational journey, aiming for his success. By extending the benefit of the doubt and initiating the conversation calmly, she set a positive tone that led to a productive dialogue and ultimately, her son received significant support to enhance his writing skills, as recounted by Wallace.

This narrative serves as a poignant reminder for parents as they prepare for parent-teacher conferences, especially during the late November period. Wallace emphasizes, "Educators do not enter this profession for financial gain or fame; they are driven by a mission to invest in the growth and development of your child. Therefore, approach them with that understanding."

When concerns arise—such as perceptions of a teacher being too demanding or not challenging enough—it's advised to "get curious, not furious," as Wallace suggests. Parents should communicate their observations at home and inquire about collaborative problem-solving strategies. Lauren Tetenbaum, a therapist and maternal mental health advocate based in Westchester County, New York, concurs, advocating for parents to prioritize listening over speaking. Teachers, due to their extensive interaction with students, often possess invaluable insights. Moreover, if a child has voiced complaints about a specific situation, there's a possibility that the full story hasn't been shared.

Wallace notes, "Today's parents often feel the pressure to fulfill every role for their children." However, it's beneficial for children to foster strong relationships with their teachers. "Allow the adults in their lives to support them," she advises. Parents can facilitate these relationships by expressing gratitude and appreciation for the specific contributions teachers make to their children's lives. "Teachers play a pivotal role in shaping the environment in which our children learn. We desire this environment to be positive and these relationships to be constructive," Wallace recommends.

It's equally important for parents not to criticize teachers in front of their children. "When you speak negatively about a coach or teacher, you're undermining that relationship," she cautions. Criticizing a teacher after a mistake can also send a harmful message to children. "When we 'cancel' our educators, we teach our kids that society has no tolerance for imperfection," Wallace explains. "I've spoken with numerous students who are afraid of being 'canceled.'"

Start by teaching children not to 'cancel' others. "We need to foster a more forgiving society, return to civility, and as parents, model that civility," she asserts. Parents should also view these conversations as opportunities to support their children's growth beyond academics. Wallace's research indicates that children's mental health improves when they feel valued for who they are, not just for their achievements. By asking questions about their children's friendships and contributions to the community, parents can gather useful information to cultivate a sense of worth in their children, regardless of their performance.

Tetenbaum also advises that parents shouldn't wait for their next—often final—conference with the teacher to follow up on discussions. She suggests inquiring about the teacher's preferred method of communication, such as phone or email. "Usually, if there's an issue, you can arrange another meeting, which is generally welcomed," she says. "More often than not, you'd be surprised at how willing educators are to engage in conversation." This may be even more true if parents approach teachers as partners in their children's success, treating them with civility and gratitude.